Per Parody Perduramus! The San Luis Obispo Times Is Inaugurated!
For the last few hours, we have always been dedicated giving you the very best Local and National News and Opinion. Most articles will not be funny, or even relevant, but they will be something to read on your smartphone while dumping.
- Danish Sleeper Cells Caught Infiltrating Central Santa Barbara County In “Late Stages Of Takeover”Dateline Central Santa Barbara County Solvang, CA – In what many are calling the”Dirties Danish infiltration of recent times” a very well… Read more: Danish Sleeper Cells Caught Infiltrating Central Santa Barbara County In “Late Stages Of Takeover”
- Manatee Here: Could You Guys Stop Running Over Me With Your Motorboats?From a warm, clear, inland bay, likely on the coast of western Florida, or maybe Cuba: “Hi, Manatee here.” You may have… Read more: Manatee Here: Could You Guys Stop Running Over Me With Your Motorboats?
- Upper Keswick, NB Man Eaten By His Pet Wolves; “No One Saw This Coming”From the San Luis Obispo Times Field office: Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada “Nobody saw this one coming. I mean, generally you can… Read more: Upper Keswick, NB Man Eaten By His Pet Wolves; “No One Saw This Coming”
- Drug Company Commercials Guy Here: “You Try Rhyming Something With Fibromyalgia Asshole”Hey everybody- James here, the guy who did all the critically acclaimed commercials you have seen on TV either during Jeopardy, or… Read more: Drug Company Commercials Guy Here: “You Try Rhyming Something With Fibromyalgia Asshole”
- E.U. “Done With Hungary.” Re-Names It: “Forbidden Lake”-Brussels, “Belgium” In very classic passive-aggressive European manner today, but slightly less inhibited than the United States- after doing several lines of… Read more: E.U. “Done With Hungary.” Re-Names It: “Forbidden Lake”
- Turns Out Hiring That Girl Who Goes By Cat Pronouns Wasn’t The Best Idea – H.R.H.R. department- American Steel and Metal Fabrication Company, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania- “You get a lot of slack for being the Human Resources director… Read more: Turns Out Hiring That Girl Who Goes By Cat Pronouns Wasn’t The Best Idea – H.R.
- “Yeah, We’re Worshiping the Giant Owl In Secret, Want To Go Cry About It?: The GovernmentYou guys act as if you’ve never seen people dressed in robes secretly worshiping a giant owl statue before..? What a bunch… Read more: “Yeah, We’re Worshiping the Giant Owl In Secret, Want To Go Cry About It?: The Government
- First “Latinx Donkey-Play” Congress Person Breaks Sexual and Racial Barriers, Public Reaction Divided
Washington D.C. – 1/17/2025 In what is a special day today, for everybody who wants to “push the limits with Donkey-Play a… Read more: First “Latinx Donkey-Play” Congress Person Breaks Sexual and Racial Barriers, Public Reaction Divided - Trump Says Greenland Invasion Imminent; But “Just The Tip Don’t Worry”Former and again future president Donald J. Trump today said that U.S. forces were mobilizing to take over a sizeable chunk of… Read more: Trump Says Greenland Invasion Imminent; But “Just The Tip Don’t Worry”
- Aliens Land: Demand To Speak To Ron Paul About Austrian EconomicsFrom what humans are now calling “Contact Day”. Aliens landed today outside of most major photogenic cities around the world, and landmarks,… Read more: Aliens Land: Demand To Speak To Ron Paul About Austrian Economics
- Santa; 8.5 Reindeer Recovered After “Unfortunate Friendly Fire Incident”About 150 Miles Northwest of Bozeman, Montana – 14:31 Zulu Time Four point two miles up a windy road to the North-West… Read more: Santa; 8.5 Reindeer Recovered After “Unfortunate Friendly Fire Incident”
- Kamala Harris “Ponders The Meaning Of Time” Too Long; Swept Into WormholeAfter “Pondering the meaning of time.” or “Pondering the passage of time.” Presidential candidate Kamala Harris Pondered a bit too far, and… Read more: Kamala Harris “Ponders The Meaning Of Time” Too Long; Swept Into Wormhole
- Trump: “My Ear Is A Loser For Looking Like It Wasn’t Shot.”Former President and Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Today, during a rally in America’s Heartland that is likely a swing-state, perhaps Iowa,: “This… Read more: Trump: “My Ear Is A Loser For Looking Like It Wasn’t Shot.”
- Terror List Updated; Now Goes From “Unhinged” To “Besties”The New Government Terror List has been updated. This is a breaking story, and will be updated.
- Nation Disgusted, Enthralled, As DWI Avoiding “Blow Hamsters” Start Appearing On Craigslist, The Dark WebThey’re fluffy, sedated, most are largely rib-less, and many even glow in the dark amazingly. You may have seen them listed on… Read more: Nation Disgusted, Enthralled, As DWI Avoiding “Blow Hamsters” Start Appearing On Craigslist, The Dark Web
- In Alarming Escalation; Shirtless Putin Switches From Horse To BearSomewhere, near a very clear fast running stream in Siberia- A Shirtless Vladimir Putin, in what many are calling an “escalator move”… Read more: In Alarming Escalation; Shirtless Putin Switches From Horse To Bear
- Trump Snaps Small Squirrel’s Neck Over Teleprompter “Fiasco” and Surges In PollsA devious squirrel who former President Donald Trump called an: “Instigator, and a loser” had its neck snapped earlier today. The squirrel… Read more: Trump Snaps Small Squirrel’s Neck Over Teleprompter “Fiasco” and Surges In Polls
- Biden Told He: “Can’t Attack Iran Until He Finishes ALL Of His Vegetables”Washington D.C.- Earlier Today From a lukewarm bathtub with all of the bubbles really thinning out- After bath time today, with “gross… Read more: Biden Told He: “Can’t Attack Iran Until He Finishes ALL Of His Vegetables”
- Doctor: Gavin Newsom’s Metamorphosis Into A Vampire Now 80% Complete.From A Catacomb Below Sacramento- Sources deep below Sacramento have revealed that California Governor (D) Gavin Newsom has now transitioned “roughly 80%”… Read more: Doctor: Gavin Newsom’s Metamorphosis Into A Vampire Now 80% Complete.
- Woman Seen With Flowers In Her Hair Emerges from Bush In San Francisco After Fentanyl Hurried DumpDowntown San Francisco – A woman was recently seen emerging from deep inside a bush near Market and O’Farrell Streets in Downtown… Read more: Woman Seen With Flowers In Her Hair Emerges from Bush In San Francisco After Fentanyl Hurried Dump
- Government Panel Investigating Epstein Client List Agrees: “Eaten By a Dog”“So, you see the clear tearing around the edges here?, yeah, that means it was eaten by a dog.” Said government panel… Read more: Government Panel Investigating Epstein Client List Agrees: “Eaten By a Dog”
- Shocking New Study Indicates: “We’re All Going To Die!!”A new study- Released by MIT has come to a very shocking conclusion: “We’re all going to die!” The public is kind… Read more: Shocking New Study Indicates: “We’re All Going To Die!!”
- Trader Joe’s Switching To Tissue Paper Grocery BagsTrader Joe’s Headquarters – Monrovia, CA In a much anticipated move, recently the wildly popular grocery store chain “went a different direction”… Read more: Trader Joe’s Switching To Tissue Paper Grocery Bags
- Shocking New Report Confirms: Toyota Priuses Can Drive Over 45 MPH.-From Behind A Prius Doing 45 in a 60 MPH zone. A shocking new report conducted by “Car and Driver” Magazine, which… Read more: Shocking New Report Confirms: Toyota Priuses Can Drive Over 45 MPH.
- “It Doesn’t Get Much Better Than This.” – A CowFrom a Field Near San Miguel, CA – It really doesn’t get much better than this, does it? Mooed a cow in… Read more: “It Doesn’t Get Much Better Than This.” – A Cow
- Geese, Ducks “Worried” After New California Foie Gras Law Legislation Passed.From a Calm, Reed-Surrounded Pond Near Sacramento, California – In what many Ducks, Geese and other waterfowl are calling “a win” after… Read more: Geese, Ducks “Worried” After New California Foie Gras Law Legislation Passed.
- Zimbabwe “Kind of Weirded Out” Over New Gay Flag Going Around.Harare, Zimbabwe – The small land-locked nation of Zimbabwe is reportedly “kind of weirded out” over the new LGBTQIA2-S Flag. “It kind… Read more: Zimbabwe “Kind of Weirded Out” Over New Gay Flag Going Around.
- Cambria Welcomes All Outsiders!Cambria – CA We are so glad you decided to come and visit our Coastal Gem we lovingly call Cambria! It’s so… Read more: Cambria Welcomes All Outsiders!
- Morro Bay Water Treatment Plant Goes OnlineMorro Bay – California A One Hundred and Sixty Million Dollar Water treatment plant went online in Morro Bay, California today. In… Read more: Morro Bay Water Treatment Plant Goes Online
- Canada Starts New Tourism Campaign: “Come To Canada and Kill Yourself.”Ottawa- Canada In an attempt to promote tourism to the frozen wasteland where people smother french-fries in gravy, recently Canada legalized euthanasia,… Read more: Canada Starts New Tourism Campaign: “Come To Canada and Kill Yourself.”
- Unsatisfied With Billions In Funding and Military Aid – Zelensky Now Demands Your Girlfriend Heather.Kiev – Ukraine In what many are calling a fair deal, yesterday Ukrainian president Vladimir Zelensky requested to get the number to… Read more: Unsatisfied With Billions In Funding and Military Aid – Zelensky Now Demands Your Girlfriend Heather.
- Turtles Outraged Over Mitch McConnell ComparisonsFrom a Pond: Earlier this week, the League Of Terrapin Voters condemned the nation-wide smear campaign that they somehow look like the… Read more: Turtles Outraged Over Mitch McConnell Comparisons