Trader Joe’s Headquarters – Monrovia, CA
In a much anticipated move, recently the wildly popular grocery store chain “went a different direction” and announced a decision that surprised many of their die-hard customers.
This Wednesday, a major change came out of the 4th floor of the quiet, unassuming business park building located in the Los Angeles suburb of Monrovia where decisions are made for the multi-billion dollar grocery provider: to switch from recycled gum paper/bamboo fiber bags to tissue paper grocery bags.
The switch to tissue paper was made in an attempt “to get everybody to shut up” about the paper bags and their handles tearing off “where everybody goes and cries about it.” Said Jack Hamper, regional customer associate.
“I mean, what a bunch of grown children. You know the handles are going to rip off, so you hold the bag from the bottom. I mean, how many times do we have to tell you people, just hold the bag from the bottom? Do you need me to wipe your ass for you also?”
“Sure, we get like 50 or more complaints a day about the paper handles glued on with a glue stick ripping off, causing the groceries to fall on the ground and explode, but really, what do you want us to do, buy some of those plastic, sturdy bags they give you at Food 4 Less? why would we do that? We have a brand and an image to uphold here.”
Sure, we sell plenty of products in plastic; In fact, if you look around our store, most everything is packaged in plastic. We actually hate the environment deep down inside, but we decided that if we give you a paper bag at the very end of looking for Truffle infused Gnocchi, you’ll think we’re “all about the Earth” or something.”
It worked- and soccer moms from all over the country and girls wearing yoga pants are convinced somehow going to Trader Joe’s is some sort of Earth-helping thing, mostly due to the paper bags that rip apart at the end of your experience.
“We thought, hey.. you know what will make them shut up for a while is if we switch to tissue paper bags for a while.. we’re thinking 2-3 years. They’ll never realize how good they had it!”
Not only will Trader Joe’s switch to tissue paper bags, but there will be a “dipping station” where the bag, after being fully loaded will be dipped into tray of cucumber-infused water before you attempt to pick it up and walk out of the store.
“We thought: sure, we are onto something good with this tissue paper bag thing to shut them up, but there is still some tensile strength to tissue paper, and perhaps your eggs and olive oil aren’t going to come splurging out of the bottom of the bag, so James was like: “We should probably make sure to wet the bag before they leave and I was like: “BINGO!”
James knows how to get promoted. He actually was the guy that came up with the idea to paint the parking lot lines so close you really can’t open your door anymore. That was genius. James also came up with the idea of an “Uncured Prosciutto Pizza”.
Nobody really knows what an “uncured pizza” is, but it sounds good and you can sell them for like twice the price. Yeah, James came up with that. He also came up with “truffle sauce” that we put on everything, but if you’re buying a package of Ravioli in the frozen foods section that’s $3.99 and supposedly has Truffles on it, jokes on you.”
Anyway, enjoy your new bags everybody, maybe next time you’ll think twice about complaining so much, and if you think you have any other options regarding a place you can get Tilhini sauce infused cabbage rolls, or a beer that tastes like aspartame combined with chocolate, good luck with that!”