About 150 Miles Northwest of Bozeman, Montana – 14:31 Zulu Time
Four point two miles up a windy road to the North-West of Bozeman, MT. – You know the type of country. It is a rugged, mountainous, yet beautiful land filled with steep canyons, clear creeks and towering pine trees.
It’s the kind of place you don’t ask a man if he is gay. Because he isn’t. And you know that already, so you wouldn’t ask him anyway. Why did you just take it there?
It was a bit near the creek and the clearing in the pine trees where the triage center for what is being called “The North Pole Incident” has been set up to bring the remaining reindeer pieces, slivers, chunks, “and whole lot of prayers from everybody around the country and the world”, as today, at 1500 feet in the air, we accidentally neutralized Santa Claus. “Again, we want to reiterate this was an unavoidable accident.”
The world was saddened, as text messages chimed, and phones rang as friends informed friends that the elf formerly known as Santa Claus was accidentally “neutralized” and the world would never be the same.
“I guess, no more presents anymore.” said one local father carting a 6-pack of Modelo out of a local 7-11″.. “We can end that whole thing… Tragic.”
Briefly after drinking a cup of milk, with a delicious warm home baked cookie (although some of his last words were that he is not a fan of sea-salt on cookies as those salt grains are too large in case anyone who cares is reading this), Santa was Intercepted an accident which resulted in the launching of numerous NORAD missiles at what they thought was an enemy missile of Russian origin.
“We are sorry to report that Santa was eliminated over the small Alaskan city of Yakutat today at 12:00:01 Zulu time.
Interestingly, that was the longest amount of decimals the atomic clock in the reporter aircraft went to, so that may have been a rounding error.
NORAD and American trigger-fingers have come under increased scrutiny to “just push the godamn button”, after the “Chinese Weather Balloon Incident” “That kind of made us look like [redacted] assholes” happened.
“You know how much shit I got by my friends at the last bbq off-base for literally a year after the Chinese Balloon thing happened? said [redacted]. “I mean, I work for NORAD and that whole balloon thing happens, and everybody on the golf course is giving me crap for not doing something about it with little jokes and I’m like: “Come on guys!”
“We can’t let that type of thing happen again., so I would be lying if I didn’t say we’re a bit trigger happy..
What was originally identified as a “unknown hostile bogey coming out of Russia at around three hundred eighty nine million miles an hour and was completely vaporized by the experimental [redacted] system at [undisclosed redacted location] allegedly.
“I am not supposed to tell you guys this (said guy on a camera who wanted to remain off the camera) said:
“I’m not going to lie, after we ran a few simulations and kind of knew we couldn’t eliminate the entire city of Yakutat and its environs, trade links, etc.. without the rest of the country and the world turning this into the next Gaza thing, we we then thinking: “Hey, let’s turn this into a Russia attacked us thing.”
“Brilliant.”
A mostly inc-tact sled, and 8 1/2 reindeer fell down that day.
“Half of a small town in Alaska was suddenly covered in Santa bits, and then the tanks just started rolling in coming from what we thought were abandoned mines- That’s a hard one to cover up with everybody having snapchat now.. and the internet keeps going down.”
“It was raining Reindeer chunks everywhere!” Exclaimed a local resident on perhaps soon to be banned Tik-Tok. I mean, if you ever read that book in elementary school “Rainy With A Chance Of Meatballs” it’s kind of like that, only no noodles, and the meatballs are pieces of St. Nick’s Reindeer.”
From what the San Luis Obispo Times has been able to glean this may have been what may have been the only transcript ever recorded of Santa Being intercepted by NATO, we want to warn our readers, this may be distressful:
This is what happened to Santa:
[Redacted] was accidentally intercepted, or neutralized a massive “trigger happy [redacted]” [redacted].”
“I think we just blew up Good [redacted] Nick dear GOD [redacted]!” exclaimed one NORAD guy who doesn’t want to talk about [redacted] and murdering [redacted] “Holy Shit. We Just blew up Santa!” I mean [redacted] exclaimed another. “This isn’t going to look good during my quarterly!”
“Santa was flying low, I’m telling you, way too low! He’s going 1/3 of a million miles an hour”
“No clearly identifying blinking red noses, noise alerting bells, or other obvious jingling or lighting visible, I mean, you guys saw there were no blinking lights or jingling bells right?” Exclaimed [redacted] NORAD employee.
“You all have to admit that kind of made the low, flying object potentially coming from [Redacted] Russia or Belarus [Redacted] coming over the North Pole [redacted] kind of a suspicious target to right?, I mean, I did everything right, didn’t I? I didn’t just really just blow up Jolly Good St [redacted] did I?”
“So, we got a lot of flack when we didn’t shoot down that Chinese “weather balloon” fast enough. It’s like everybody goes and loses their shit when you don’t shoot something down fast enough now said [redacted]”.
So, now it’s like: “Go and blow that thing up faster” whereas before it was like: “Don’t blow that thing up right away, or you will get in trouble.” So, I was like: Ok, I know the new initiative, let’s blow up stuff, and then this [redacted] incident happens and the reindeer, and then the cover-up. It’s like: “Did I do the right thing?”
I am working through some stuff now, I got on a new SRI and this is a part of it, the catharsis and.. “I mean, the public is kind of expecting us to blow shit up right now.”
You see a low-flying non-lit metal heavy object flying toward the US from the North Pole region going that fast filled with electronics and other things with Russia, North Korea, China, and Iran stuff. Heck, it’s hard to think of too many countries we haven’t alienated yet.” said [redacted]
“At least, that’s what our training is generally. “I mean, they always joke about Santa, but then it turns out it’s a real thing, I mean, this sled is real and stuff, and it’s all NOT a joke, and you think Russians.”
“I mean, am I wrong here? Are we going to act like anybody though Santa Claus was a real thing? Now I’m facing manslaughter charges?”
“Do you really think we would track something that doesn’t even exist, just to kind of burn your taxpayer dollars in some sort of useless hoax?” I mean, why would we do that? I mean.. We’re the government! NASA landed on the Moon you guys. Woah, you guys are dumber than you look.”
“Do you think we are really going to just waste your hard-earned taxpayer money at NORAD reporting on a fake flying elf and reporting to you on this year after year if we didn’t actually think he existed? said an employee who very tragically died of a heart attack two weeks ago.
toiling away in your tedious jobs and paying us a king’s ransom spending time tracking a large elf that doesn’t exist? That’s what you think we do? Said some NORAD North Command guy allegedly.
“We shot that fat [redacted] Claus!”
After that entire subdivision in the Yukon saw the sleigh, huge number maimed, burned, exploded chunks or reindeer and [redacted] Santa chunks all over their roofs raining down [redacted]- even the CBC, and even American news outlets couldn’t cover this puppy up.