Washington D.C.- Earlier Today From a lukewarm bathtub with all of the bubbles really thinning out-
After bath time today, with “gross raisin-fingers” from being in the water too long- U.S. President Joe Biden was told “He Can’t Attack Iran and “for sure” start World War 3 Until He Finishes All Of His Vegetables.”
“There are no exceptions to this rule Joe.” said a stern Jill Biden.
“Why are you so mean to me?!” Exclaimed Joe in a screeching tone.
“Me wanty send boats and submarines to Horse-Moose and get Iran!” said a cranky Joe.
“That’s the Straight of Hormuz Joe, and like I said, there will be no military intervention against the Islamic Republic of Iran until you finish all your vegetables, that includes the Broccoli. You probably want to eat those now and we can have TV and Ice Cream time and maybe send the orders to invade Iran, but only if you finish them.” said Jill.
“Fine!” exclaimed Biden as he acted like a large dinosaur eating trees – in this case the trees were Broccoli, and Biden was the dinosaur.
“I want to do that thing where you poke the bad person, but say somebody else did it! and then you can do stuff!” cried out Joe. The “fawss fwaag!!!”
“False Flag Joe, and we can do that, but there is still more Broccoli and you haven’t finished your carrots or Flintstones Vitamin either.” “You will never grow into a man without proper nutrition.” said Jill
“Me also want to get the Hooties”
Those are the Hoothies Joe.”
“Why you SO MEAN TO ME!?” Exclaimed a very tired and cranky Biden.
After dinner Joe took a big dump had his butt wiped “really good” and then took a long nap.
“Jill helps us avoid World War III. If the people only knew, she is literally the only thing keeping us from total global thermonuclear war right now, I think they would respect her a lot more.”
“You would think she’s just a really great wife-type woman who stands by her man, even as he loses all of his bodily faculties, but she’s a lot more than that.” Said unnamed person connected to the White House.
“It is actually Jill Running the show behind the scenes. Well, I mean she is” said another unnamed person who was also in the area who chose to be anonymous.
“I am not sure whether to be terrified that he [the president] isn’t calling the shots, or his wife actually is. I mean, she seems like a really competent person. Is this maybe a good thing potentially, or bad? I keep asking myself that.” said another person.
“I always thought it was Obama” said one guy. Boy was I surprised when they told me it was instead Jill Biden. I was like: “What?”
“Wait, the internet told me that Obama was still running the show, and now you’re telling me it’s actually Jill Biden? You guys had me fooled there.”
“I actually am now more confident in the course of our nation knowing that Dr. Jill Biden is actually behind the nuclear launch codes. ” said local unnamed college student. “I have been sleeping a lot better at night.”
“We call her “The Prez” when Joe isn’t around, said a guy maybe connected to the Secret Service. “It’s kind of a joke, but kind of not.” said another person at the scene with their name redacted for anonymity.
With Dr. Jill Biden “The Prez” firmly calling the shots, we all have a hopeful and prosperous future for the United States. I am suddenly super optimistic” Said another local unnamed resident.
The yard sign “vote for Biden, wink, wink” has suddenly showed up in front of houses all over the country, with Democrats more confident they might win in 2024.
“Thank god it’s not Joe.” said a middle-class normal guy registered Democrat whose name is redacted. I mean, I like him and all, and will be voting for him, but just sayin’ thank god it’s Jill.”