In Alarming Escalation; Shirtless Putin Switches From Horse To Bear


Somewhere, near a very clear fast running stream in Siberia-

A Shirtless Vladimir Putin, in what many are calling an “escalator move” and others are calling an “escalatory move”, a very shirtless Putin today switched from riding a Horse to a Bear.

“What is this guy doing?” said an unnamed person in the CIA.

“We have a total and complete mad man on our hands” said another unnamed [redacted] at the Pentagon he’s riding a bear now?”

“We knew the Horse-to-Bear move was coming after we sent that last batch of HIMARS [redacted] and all that other [redacted], and then the [redacted] beach cluster [redacted] thing, but, not this soon.” My god, what have we done?” we didn’t realize it was going to be such a big deal as a shirtless horse to shirtless bear riding escalation, are you serious right now?”

What we can confidently say is that on this particularly beautiful and warmer than usual day in Siberia, Putin was definitely looking his best- we’re talking dark tan in the afternoon sun, no shirt of course, short haircut that says he doesn’t mind losing it, but relaxed smile as he mounted the bear, I mean, this is a P.R. nightmare for the US right now. This guy is looking pretty bad-ass.”

With his gleaming Russian tanned chest soaked in perhaps some sort of oil? Putin-sweated magnificently is the main bullet-point we are trying to get across here.

You can’t blame Putin for any heavy sweating, afterall we are talking a balmy 38 degrees late evening summer and his sweat glowing on his completely naked upper half that looks pretty dark tanned now that I see it more clearly and has pretty low body fat for a man of his age (you have to admit), he dismounted his horse.

Putin then confidently and efficiently tied his horse to the post, gave it two loving strokes, and then walked over toward the bear sporting his “not-too-bad dad bod” (according to one local woman) and approached the bear without hesitation.

“With little hesitation, he swiftly grabbed a big tuft of the bear’s hair on its neck, and with one motion hoisted himself upon the bear.”

“Nobody knows where that bear came from, or why it was just standing there, waiting for so long, but then when Putin showed up, we were all like: “Oh, snap, it is about to go down! WWIII is about to GO DOWN!!” (translated from Russian)

“It was that moment I saw him.. He slowed down on the horse, to a trot, and it stopped, he got off the saddle, stepped down, approached the bear who showed no fear in him, but stared at him straight in the eyes and grunted. They shared a moment.”

“It was like the bear respected him, like, the bear knew him for a long time, I can’t explain it, like this moment was the entire purpose of this bear’s life.”

“It was then I knew we had a real leader as he glistened in sweat from riding the horse, and transitioned over to the bear like it was nothing. We all knew. Believe me, we knew.”

Putin reached out his arm toward the bear, but did not let it smell him, as that would have been a sign of weakness and submission- Instead, Putin reached out his hand, and grabbed the bear by the nape of the neck, and smacked it twice on the front left of its head, and said in Russian: “Forward!”

“This guy appears to know Bears pretty well, or something like that.” said unnamed local resident from Russia.” “I’ve never seen something like that in my life before, and I’m thinking: “Holy shit, is World War Three about to break out here, I mean this was seriously escalatory right now!”