They’re fluffy, sedated, most are largely rib-less, and many even glow in the dark amazingly. You may have seen them listed on Craigslist as “exotic pets” or “Blowers” or even “Blades”.
The so called “Blow Hamster” phenomena isn’t going away anytime soon and in fact seems to be taking off. We have found that at least 1 out of 30 Americans amazingly now have one of the test-evading critters living in their vehicles right now.
Buried in The Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act of 2021, endorsed by Joe Biden, was a not-so-well known condition: By 2026, the law mandates that all new motor vehicles sold in the United States of America possess a Ignition Interlock Device to determine whether the driver has been drinking alcohol. If detected, the motor vehicle will not start.”
“I’m thinking to myself: Shit, thanks again Biden! If I don’t have drinking and driving, what is really the point to life anymore? I got really depressed, for a while, I mean, driving without drinking is just well, kind of driving around lifelessly, or like a robot or something.. super boring and super inconvenient.” Said Ned Lancaster. How can you even listen to Led Zeppelin driving back from the bar at about 2 am without having at least a .12 BAC? I mean, that is a non-starter.
“I’m thinking to myself: there has to be some work-around here. I thought really hard, and even talked to some guys at the construction site about it.”
“Dan leads me over to his Camaro, opens up the passenger door, opens the glove-box, and in there is this cute little Hamster just kind of chewing away at some sort of pellets, with a little water dispenser in a tiny cage there, and I’m like hold my beer for a second: “whaaat?”
Dan told me all about them, and then gave me the address of a website on the dark web. I bought four as they were discounted if you buy 4 or more. I’m not going to lie, I was originally going to buy 3 because I thought a few would probably die in the glove-box in the scorching heat we get here in Arizona and need to be replaced, but the 4th one I bought for my daughter.
They aren’t just functional, they’re also just so cute, and the bulk-discount helped of course. I might be mostly a failure as father, an unloving, unloved, chronic drunk, but I just had to give one to my daughter and she loved it.”
Unfortunately for law enforcement, it appears “Blow Hamsters” are the work-around for the new Biden legislation, as drivers are desperate to find ways to skirt the new law. “The black-market name for them is “Blades” said a guy in a back alley who didn’t want to be named.” I used to sell Fentanyl and Meth, but now it’s all about the “Blades”.
Bred and genetically engineered in Cambodia to have no rib cage which was ingeniously achieved by splicing Jellyfish and Hamster DNA had one unexpected side effect started to show up in the initial batches. “The are glowing.” Said an unnamed person working in the underground lab.” At first we were like: “Oh, this isn’t good, but then we were like: Maybe this is actually good?”
“It turns out them glowing really helps drunk people finding them in the glove-box after a really long night of heavy drinking. Talk about a time-saver and a convenient side-effect. Could you imagine if they didn’t glow, it’s like: Where is that little hamster?”
Blow Hamsters or simply “Blowers” or “Blades” as they are known on Craigslist and the dark web are used to evade what is called an Ignition Interlock Device (IID) by people going wine tasting, drunk drivers and chronic alcoholics.
The Blow Hamster is inflated using a turkey-baster like filler with clean air.
“Part of the original idea combining the Hamster Jellyfish DNA was to remove the problematic and lung-restricting rib-cage and make them much more inflatable, enough to mimic the capacity of human lungs.
“The beauty part is the Hamsters warm the injected air to 98.6 degrees and then their toothless/jaw less mouths (again thanks to the Jellyfish DNA) are placed over the device, where they are then squeezed.” “Make sure you have a tight seal. That’s the mistake most people make.” I always say: “squeeze with the right hand, seal with the left hand.” added one user. “To be completely honest, I actually think they kind of enjoy it.”
“The next thing you will hear after the final wheeze when you’re done squeezing the little fellers is the beautiful sound of your car engine starting.” “There is no better sound than that final wheeze, and the car engine starting .”
“F-ck You Biden!!” Dale Hemsler said, with his car very much running as he tossed his blow-hamster back into the glovebox and snapping it closed.” “Time to get home now.. No thanks to you Biden!”
The Libertarian Party is all behind blow hamsters: “We view this as a check on the over-reaching long arm of the government. It is long overdue something was done to address this totalitarian-tip-toe toward full blow police state.”
“They work literally every time. The IID device doesn’t know if it’s a human, or a genetically engineered hamster (if we can even call these things hamsters anymore) we just bypassed all that government overreach. Better luck next time!”
“One long squeeze, ending in a little wheeze and you’re on your way” is what I always say.” The bag-pipe like hamsters don’t really seem to mind it so much, in fact they kind of get off on it. Being inflated, and then squeezed out is literally all they’ve ever known. It is what they were made for.”
Sinaloa cartel member Jesus Iglasias was first introduced to blow hamsters after delivering several Kilos of Cocaine to Mena, Arkansas and realized he was in the wrong business.
“These thing breed like rats, or I guess in this case hamsters, and after you buy a few of the original ones, they just multiply.” It is like printing money, and now I don’t have the guilt of getting people hooked on hard drugs, which is a plus.” Since I’ve been hawking “Blades” I don’t even bother with the other stuff.”
While the large-scale farming, and even genetic engineering in order to produce the often sickly and even sometimes mutated “Blow Hamsters” is absolutely immoral, they are unfortunately still legal due to a loophole in United States copyright law. Blow Hamsters are kind of like the new designer drugs in that sense, always one step ahead of the law. “How can you ban it, if you don’t know what it even is?”
“You see, technically these aren’t even hamsters, heck they aren’t even mammals anymore, in fact, their DNA is more closely associated with the Southern Atlantic Jellyfish than anything even close to Hamster-like.”
“Of course, if you want to get mad at somebody about this, I guess we all have Joe Biden to thank for this one! Thanks Biden! Earl Hearthgood said tossing his blow hamster back into the glove-box. This guy just kind of hates America.”