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Study: 37% of Americans Smell Their Hand After Scratching Their “Itchy Butt-Crack” At Night
A Shocking new study came out today from a major University that revealed an alarming 37% of Americans smell their hand after a late-night” “My butt crack is itching” episode, In a sub-poll, an alarming 100% of those who smelled their hands admitted to wiping their hands all over: “Anything nearby.” “I mean, it just…
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Aliens Land: Demand To Speak To Ron Paul About Austrian Economics
From what humans are now calling “Contact Day”. Aliens landed today outside of most major photogenic cities around the world, and landmarks, in what many are calling “Contact Day”. “I new this shit was coming” said Dale Hermslinger from Ann Arbor, Michigan, I mean, I built the entire bunker, I really love Ron Paul, and…
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Santa; 8.5 Reindeer Recovered After “Unfortunate Friendly Fire Incident”
About 150 Miles Northwest of Bozeman, Montana – 14:31 Zulu Time Four point two miles up a windy road to the North-West of Bozeman, MT. – You know the type of country. It is a rugged, mountainous, yet beautiful land filled with steep canyons, clear creeks and towering pine trees. It’s the kind of place…
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Kamala Harris “Ponders The Meaning Of Time” Too Long; Swept Into Wormhole
After “Pondering the meaning of time.” or “Pondering the passage of time.” Presidential candidate Kamala Harris Pondered a bit too far, and opened a “loosely-stable level 4-Zeta Wormhole to the not-so-well-charted Zerticular Retaeo.. Probably not the most prudent thing to do. Earlier, they were trying to keep Kamala away from Interdimensional gates, interviews, and Reteao…
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Trump: “My Ear Is A Loser For Looking Like It Wasn’t Shot.”
Former President and Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Today, during a rally in America’s Heartland that is likely a swing-state, perhaps Iowa,: “This god-damn ear is a complete loser; and a complete fraud for not looking like it actually got hit with any sort of anything” said the ex-president. “I mean, that this point I would…
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Terror List Updated; Now Goes From “Unhinged” To “Besties”
The New Government Terror List has been updated. This is a breaking story, and will be updated.
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Nation Disgusted, Enthralled, As DWI Avoiding “Blow Hamsters” Start Appearing On Craigslist, The Dark Web
They’re fluffy, sedated, most are largely rib-less, and many even glow in the dark amazingly. You may have seen them listed on Craigslist as “exotic pets” or “Blowers” or even “Blades”. The so called “Blow Hamster” phenomena isn’t going away anytime soon and in fact seems to be taking off. We have found that at…
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In Alarming Escalation; Shirtless Putin Switches From Horse To Bear
Somewhere, near a very clear fast running stream in Siberia- A Shirtless Vladimir Putin, in what many are calling an “escalator move” and others are calling an “escalatory move”, a very shirtless Putin today switched from riding a Horse to a Bear. “What is this guy doing?” said an unnamed person in the CIA. “We…
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Trump Snaps Small Squirrel’s Neck Over Teleprompter “Fiasco” and Surges In Polls
A devious squirrel who former President Donald Trump called an: “Instigator, and a loser” had its neck snapped earlier today. The squirrel in question allegedly chewed into the cable connecting the teleprompter and his handlers’ speech feed and the sophisticated software package that tells him every single word he has to say during a rally…
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Biden Told He: “Can’t Attack Iran Until He Finishes ALL Of His Vegetables”
Washington D.C.- Earlier Today From a lukewarm bathtub with all of the bubbles really thinning out- After bath time today, with “gross raisin-fingers” from being in the water too long- U.S. President Joe Biden was told “He Can’t Attack Iran and “for sure” start World War 3 Until He Finishes All Of His Vegetables.” “There…