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Government Panel Investigating Epstein Client List Agrees: “Eaten By a Dog”
“So, you see the clear tearing around the edges here?, yeah, that means it was eaten by a dog.” Said government panel member Anthony Hillestrand. When you get those marks, and that tearing around the only physical copy- well in this case paper copy of some sort of evidence of a huge child-sex-trafficking ring, well,…
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Shocking New Study Indicates: “We’re All Going To Die!!”
A new study- Released by MIT has come to a very shocking conclusion: “We’re all going to die!” The public is kind of upset about these findings. The data, collected very meticulously by a really good university (whatever that means, when we’re all going to die) comes to a very alarming conclusion: “We’re all going…
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Trader Joe’s Switching To Tissue Paper Grocery Bags
Trader Joe’s Headquarters – Monrovia, CA In a much anticipated move, recently the wildly popular grocery store chain “went a different direction” and announced a decision that surprised many of their die-hard customers. This Wednesday, a major change came out of the 4th floor of the quiet, unassuming business park building located in the Los…
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Shocking New Report Confirms: Toyota Priuses Can Drive Over 45 MPH.
-From Behind A Prius Doing 45 in a 60 MPH zone. A shocking new report conducted by “Car and Driver” Magazine, which came out after a groundbreaking lawsuit has been filed reveals that in fact the hugely popular fuel-sipping hybrid vehicle is capable of driving over 45 mph. Its maximum speed being “quite a bit…
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“It Doesn’t Get Much Better Than This.” – A Cow
From a Field Near San Miguel, CA – It really doesn’t get much better than this, does it? Mooed a cow in a field near San Miguel, CA. Wow, we have just got it so good here.” They say: “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”, “but let me tell…
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Geese, Ducks “Worried” After New California Foie Gras Law Legislation Passed.
From a Calm, Reed-Surrounded Pond Near Sacramento, California – In what many Ducks, Geese and other waterfowl are calling “a win” after the Foie Gras legislation passed by California governor Gavin Newsom regarding the force-feeding of their species’ to “make their livers taste really good” passed, many are saying “it didn’t go far enough” and…
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Zimbabwe “Kind of Weirded Out” Over New Gay Flag Going Around.
Harare, Zimbabwe – The small land-locked nation of Zimbabwe is reportedly “kind of weirded out” over the new LGBTQIA2-S Flag. “It kind of does look like they ripped off our flag and changed it a little bit” said LuckJoy Nwaba. “Don’t get us wrong” said the small southern-African nation “we know a lot of gay…
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Cambria Welcomes All Outsiders!
Cambria – CA We are so glad you decided to come and visit our Coastal Gem we lovingly call Cambria! It’s so hard to find a nice, clean small town atmosphere anymore in California that isn’t infested with homeless people and outsiders, so it’s great that you decided to visit! Cambria, as I’m sure you’re…
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Morro Bay Water Treatment Plant Goes Online
Morro Bay – California A One Hundred and Sixty Million Dollar Water treatment plant went online in Morro Bay, California today. In what many are calling “The Most Amazing Water Treatment Plant Ever Built”, There could be a few underlying issues, one in particular which is seriously upsetting local residents. The $160 Million dollar Morro…
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Canada Starts New Tourism Campaign: “Come To Canada and Kill Yourself.”
Ottawa- Canada In an attempt to promote tourism to the frozen wasteland where people smother french-fries in gravy, recently Canada legalized euthanasia, in tandem with this announcement, Canada’s government has stated a new advertisement campaign: “Come To Canada and Kill Yourself.” “We hope this new campaign gives us Canucks the shot in the arm- a…