From A Catacomb Below Sacramento-
Sources deep below Sacramento have revealed that California Governor (D) Gavin Newsom has now transitioned “roughly 80%” into a Sanguine Vampire.
“We are closely following his slow, but eventual transition from regular human into a full blown blood drinking creature of the night.”
“He goes into the coffin earlier and earlier when the sun is coming up, which is a very encouraging sign for his metamorphosis.” said Doctor Toboggan MD- one of the world’s leading experts in human to vampire transitioning.
“It’s not an easy process, some people think it’s as simple as being bitten by another Vampire, and boom! You are one, but no, it’s a lot, I stress, a lot more complicated than that.”
“It is also a lot more expensive than most people realize, and because only part of the metamorphosis is covered by HMOs and basic health insurance, well, let’s just say it’s a good thing that Newsom has one of the- if not the best health insurance plans (taxpayer paid for of course) that one can carry.”
“His blood pressure is very, very low now, and it’s cold; We’re talking almost like some sort of antifreeze. His heartbeat is regular, but well, that ticker only beats, I would say every three to four minutes now- A good sign for the transition into full blown Sanguine Vampire.”
Once he does the process, it’s not like he just stays a vampire. He will need to adhere to a very strict regimen of drinking warm human blood- preferably out of the neck of an attractive female at least every few days, or he slowly transitions back to human, or worse.”
How this will affect Newsom’s inevitable, eventual run for President is unclear.
“Maybe we could hire Patrick Bateman to be a stand-in during the daylight hours?” “We used him to sit in his office as a body double when Newsom was at the French Laundry having a great time during the Covid stuff we forced on all the sheep before, I feel like he would open to the idea again.” Added a spokesperson for the governor.
We will keep you all apprised as the Governor of the Night continues the long, expensive, but eventual, time consuming transition into full blow lord of darkness.” Then, he can join his vampire brethren in Washington DC as our supreme overlord, overseeing our slow, but guaranteed covert takeover of all free western democracies.”