Washington D.C. – 1/17/2025

In what is a special day today, for everybody who wants to “push the limits with Donkey-Play a little bit”, Able Rodriquez “The first openly donkey play Latinx in congressperson” was sworn in today.

“This is a great day for inclusion, equity, and diversity, and especially people who enjoy getting totally ravaged by huge donkey schlongs.” said Herb Lancaster.

“This marginalized group will no longer have to cower in the shadows.”

“Let today forever be known as Donkey Day, aka the most inclusive day on the planet Earth.. we aren’t just getting urinated on in kiddy pools at pride parades in public anymore, we have transgressed that” said pro-getting slammed in the butthole by a donkey guy.

“Being regular gay just isn’t cutting it anymore to get elected” said someone speaking from anonymity who was straight, but said they were gay in order to get elected.

“Scissoring for the lesbos, dude-on-dude stuff, strap-on stuff, that’s just so 1996. That just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

“I’m thinking to myself, sure I could have a guy slamming me from behind and tell the public it’s happening openly to help my chances of getting elected, but then I was like: “Wait a second, the regular gay sex thing is kind of getting old and outdated now.. what am I re summoning Freddie Mercury here? We need to push the limits a bit further.. then I took a trip to the Grand Canyon and the rest is history.”

“Donkey Play is the new Gay.”

“We are so proud to inclusively include our marginalized friends and disenfranchised minority groups, especially Eskimos and Latinx people and what they do behind close doors and their sexual preferences and proclivities and vulnerable donkey play neighbors who enjoy getting slammed by big donkey-dicks in a respectable manner into the peoples’ house.”

“It’s important that you see people in government who look like you too.”

“If somebody doesn’t look like you, why would you want them representing you? This also goes for which hole or holes you get railed in.”

Said Allen Manchester, senior aid to the government.

“If you don’t see someone in government who is say black if you’re black, Latinx if you’re Latinx, or Cambodian looking if you’re Cambodian, you’re probably thinking to yourself: “These people don’t represent me and I am definitely not a racist for thinking this.”

“Is this guy getting slammed in the butt by another dude, or not?” These are the things that keep me up at night when examining who to vote for said Ned Aster, Bay City Michigan resident.

“I mean, if he is getting slammed in the back side by another dude that’s good, but I mean, it probably could get better.. you know what I mean?”

“Why aren’t they pushing the limits a bit more, I mean, we are living in 2025 right now and not 1564, right?” “Sure, there may not be more than 3 holes to fill on a human, but there is definitely more than 1 species you can have sex with. We are limiting ourselves here. Talk about a missed opportunity.”

“With this appointment, people who love to be violated by donkeys, or have donkeys violate them, or maybe both at the same time, or maybe vice-versa will be accepted, and celebrated, instead of being cast into the saddest parts of the dark web chronically masturbating, while their suicide rates go way up.” “We hope to normalize the very natural love that donkeys have for man, and the other way around.. but not women quite yet, that would be going too far, maybe in another 15 years.” said some guy in Congress.

“It used to be, if you were a guy and let guys do you that was enough to get into congress- but not anymore.” said anonymous guy who got railed by a donkey yesterday, and then again earlier this morning.”.. “I knew, I had to take it to the next level to get elected, because the American people need to know who you’re screwing, the gender, and which holes stuff is going into, and now, more specifically these days, which species you’re doing. This is what matters. If we’re talking human on human, good luck with that.”

“Imagine just electing some straight white dude with his breeder wife getting nailed by him regularly.” “I mean, what are we doing here? Living in The Handmade’s Tail?”

“Sure, you’re doing a dude, and you’re a dude, that will get you elected in like 1980.. but we’re living in 2025, dudes are chicks, chicks are dudes, dudes are doing dudes, and harder now, just regular dudes doing dudes is not going to cut it anymore.”

“Regular Gay Is The New Straight.”

“My nephew is going by literal cat pronouns now. It’s called “Catgender” yes, this is really happening. He insists we call him by “Mew and or Mewself” and society has accepted this as normal, I mean, come on guys, you think regular gay is good enough to get elected these days?”

“I’m thinking to myself- besides the obvious stuff like fixing the economy and lowering taxes, how do I become more desirable to the voting public? Well, it used to be that you could just have a dude do you, or a chick do you if you are a woman, this is what mattered to the voting public, but that just isn’t impressing people anymore… we need to go further..”

Americans were very interested in just how “hardcore” the donkey play actually was. “I mean, is he really doing the donkey?, or is this just a gimmick to get me to vote for him, which I absolutely will do if I know this is all legit, but I have been fooled before.” “I honestly haven’t seen any hard evidence.” said Dale Freelander.

“Sure, he’s supposedly taking that huge donkey schlong, but is it genuine? Furthermore, if he actually Is, is he really enjoying this, or is this all one big facade? That also matters to me as a voter.”

Remember Alanis Morisset? Turns out her lungs weren’t actually pumped, everybody kept telling me they were, but they weren’t turns out. After that fiasco I have been more skeptical about what I’m being told regarding how hardcore things actually are.” “The Richard Gere stuff with the hamster, also made up, yeah, I was shocked to find that out as well.”

Are we getting true donkey play here with this Rodriquez candidate?” said Dale Freelander again – a sovereign citizen in Idaho who has one of those license plates that says they’re “just traveling, not driving.”. Or is this just regular guy getting railed by another guy dressed as a donkey stuff? Stranger things have happened, you never know these days. Nothing is as it seems anymore in our society sadly.”

As always, the San Luis Obispo Times will keep you diligently informed regarding the latest on this developing story.