“So, you see the clear tearing around the edges here?, yeah, that means it was eaten by a dog.”

Said government panel member Anthony Hillestrand.

When you get those marks, and that tearing around the only physical copy- well in this case paper copy of some sort of evidence of a huge child-sex-trafficking ring, well, it’s kind of case closed.

Dog ate it.

I mean, clearly, you can see a dog just ate this, right?

One lead-scientist investigating what happened to the Jefferey Epstein client list came to the following conclusion: “Definitely some sort of small, angry dog ate this thing. Too bad there were no copies, and no digital evidence of all the high-profile people who would have their lives destroyed had that devious dog eaten it! Oh well, dogs do that kind of thing.”

“After thorough review, we the government has come to the conclusion that it was in fact a very devious Pomeranian named Love-Love who ate the entire Epstein Client list. It is with a somber heart we have to say this case is concluded.