From a warm, clear, inland bay, likely on the coast of western Florida, or maybe Cuba:

“Hi, Manatee here.”

You may have heard of my species – I am a Manatee, also known as a Sea Cow.

Of course you have heard of me. Everybody loves a Manatee.”

“Anyway, could you guys stop running over us with your motorboats while trying to get laid?”

“Kind of hurts to have a motorboat propeller ripping literally through your entire back causing permanent scarring if you catch my drift. Female Manatees aren’t super fond of scars either believe it or not.”

“There is an excruciatingly long healing process after a boat propeller goes through your back just so your jerk-off ass needed to get laid. Just sayin’.”

“I’m just sayin.” said a slowly floating Manatee, grotesquely scarred on the back by “Toby” who was “trying to get laid with two very hot girls from his high school in his dad’s boat as the blades of Toby’s dad’s boat tore through the manatee’s back.. with his pod floating right next to him in Crystal Bay, Florida.

“God Damn that hurt!”

“Yeah, getting your back scarred up real bad because Toby needs to lose his virginity.. I guess that’s what my species is here for..” (said a Manatee sarcastically)

“Damn! Another propeller through my back! Motherfucker!

The San Luis Obispo Times will, as always, keep you update on this breaking story.