Los Angeles – CA

Much of America was “shocked” to hear that flamboyant Brit Russell Brand has been accused of rape by a woman in an incident that allegedly occurred nearly 20 years ago.

“We were sure he was into dudes.” said most people who were interviewed for this article. I mean, you’re telling me he’s into women? Added another person. “That’s weird.”

Brand’s ex-girlfriend Jennifer spoke to us about the allegations against the multi-million dollar musician, or magician, or whatever that guy does for a living.

“I had been hanging out with Brand for going on three years, we were good friends, we would watch a lot of Sex in the City together. He would take my palms in his hand, tell me to close my eyes and tell me about my future. We would do Yoga and talk about life in general. He seemed like such a deep person. Sure he smelled a bit too much like Patchouli combined with cigarettes, but he was fun. I never really thought of him as a lover, I just always thought he was gay.”

“He told me that he wanted to make a Mascara run, and I was like:

“Ok honey, you do you. You go get that Mascara, and buy yourself a few new scarves, or bracelets while you’re out also.”

“It turns out he said he wanted to make MY Mascara run, and I was shocked. I’m thinking to myself: Wait, isn’t this guy beyond flamingly gay? Is this really happening right now?”

More shocking than what he allegedly did to me was that he’s actually into women.” “I’ve gotten past the alleged brutal raping already, probably got over that 10 years ago, with the help of some psychotherapy, but that part where it turns out that he’s really into women, and not men still keeps me up at night.”

Phil Johnston, who lives in Clearwater, Florida was asked about what he thought about the Russell Brand Rape Allegations:

“Russell Brand, he’s the “Mindfreak guy who holds his breath forever underwater and sticks needles into his body right?” asked a confused Johnston. We corrected him that was Criss Angel, and Russell Brand was the guy who always has his shirt unbuttoned to his belly button, who looks like he hasn’t showered since 1987 who wears bracelets, scarves and tight leather pants.

“Oh yeah, that guy, I like his work! What is it he does again?”

When we asked Justin Miller what he thought about Russell Brand allegedly raping a woman he said:

“I always thought of Russell Brand as a “kind of rape-y character” if I’m being completely honest, but I always thought he was the “raping dudes type” not the “raping women type.” “It appears as though I was completely wrong about that.”

Brand was busy deleting unsavory Tweets and Instagram photos, and unable to comment on the alleged controversy.