A Shocking new study came out today from a major University that revealed an alarming 37% of Americans smell their hand after a late-night” “My butt crack is itching” episode,

In a sub-poll, an alarming 100% of those who smelled their hands admitted to wiping their hands all over: “Anything nearby.”

“I mean, it just kind of smells, it’ not like there’s shit on it. Well, I guess there’s probably a little bit of shit on it.” said (person who chose not to be named).

The San Luis Obispo Times insists on bringing you the latest on this story as it develops.