Shocking New Report Confirms: Toyota Priuses Can Drive Over 45 MPH.


Illustrative Image: View From Behind a Prius

-From Behind A Prius Doing 45 in a 60 MPH zone.

A shocking new report conducted by “Car and Driver” Magazine, which came out after a groundbreaking lawsuit has been filed reveals that in fact the hugely popular fuel-sipping hybrid vehicle is capable of driving over 45 mph. Its maximum speed being “quite a bit more than that” actually.

“I was certain that there was some sort of regulator, governor, or retarder installed in the back-end of their sophisticated software package” said local mechanic Dale Meineke (A retarder is a term used to limit a vehicles maximum speed). Often a retarder is used on public transportation and big-rig trucks to stop vehicles from going over the speed limit, but, it turned out there wasn’t one.

Going undercover, we followed a 48 year old man we’ll call “Greg” from Walnut Creek into Downtown San Francisco with one brief stop at a Berkeley Whole Foods, and can confirm, he did not log faster than 45 MPH during the entire duration of the trip, even when driving in a clearly marked 65 MPH HOV lane.”

“Briefly, as we approached the Bay Bridge, we saw Greg speeding up almost reaching 45, “we were like: “Is he going to do it!?” before slowing down to 40 on a completely open stretch of road near Angel’s Island “for no apparent reason” “It was baffling, there wasn’t any traffic or any sort of construction or poor road conditions etc. we didn’t see any clear reason for the reduction in speed”, even in heavy, fast moving traffic, with numerous other vehicles swerving around in rage in an attempt to pass “his slow oblivious ass”, he wouldn’t go faster.” Said the study coordinator.

“Greg” at Whole Foods

“The Japanese are really good at engineering, which made us wonder why they intentionally limited the Toyota Prius to 45 MPH, it seemed reckless and unnecessary, even in an attempt at conserving fuel.” “We’re talking the same people that built the first bullet train, the Shinkhansen what is going on here?”

“The results of our months-long investigation were stunning: The vehicle (Prius) operates completely normally, above most listed specifications actually and is in fact capable of driving upwards of 95 MPH under most normal road conditions. Which only made the mystery more compelling.

With this new information in hand, we decided it was time to take a trip to the birth-place of Toyota Prius – Yokohama, Japan to meet its lead designer at Toyota formerly known as Harimoto Kawasaka.

“I have brought great shame to myself, and my country.” Said a head-lowered Harimoto who now lives using a pseudonym in a local internet cafe to avoid public scrutiny. “At the time, I thought the engineering was immaculate, the electronics revolutionary, the swept-back design perhaps not beautiful, but practical, aerodynamic.”

“I thought the Prius would represent everything our island nation holds dear. I thought at the time I would be helping the world reach our goals for sustainability and in the process advance the human race, and bring wealth to the company only to now realize I created a “Monshu” (Monster in Japanese) that causes great cultural harm and damage.”

“Little did I know how ambulances, fire trucks, police would be impacted from the glacial pace the people who drive my creation would move at. The rest of society is now captive behind my ungodly creation. What have I done? I have done a great disservice to humanity.”

“I tried to correct the great harm by insisting Toyota put out some commercials to let people know all they needed to to do increase speed was to push their foot down on the accelerator a bit harder, but I was shocked to hear the problem isn’t a lack of understanding that the vehicle can drive much, much faster, but the demographic buying the vehicle “refuse to simply push their foot down on the god damn gas peddle hard enough.”

Back in the USA, Lisa West, a gender equity advisor for Redwood City College was slowly taking a right hand turn into a Starbucks parking lot from lane 1, while not taking advantage of the clearly labeled, full width, designated right hand-turn lane, backing up the traffic behind her.

“I’m not driving the Toyota Prius to save the environment per se, I mean, the environment is important and stuff, it just gives me an excuse to drive really, really slow, and well, “kind of piss off all you assholes.”

Meanwhile, a “misguided” multi-million dollar research campaign is underway not trying to solve the low-speed problem, but instead figure out the plural of Prius. Is it a Priui? Prius’s?

After the more than 1.8 million votes were cast during the course of the six-week campaign, Prii beat out its four competitors: Prius, Priuses, Prium and Prien. Prius came in at a close second with 24 percent of the votes. A video recap of the campaign and winning word celebration can be viewed at www.ToyotaPriusProjects.com.

“Community has always been a big part of the Prius brand, so it was only fitting that we invite the online communities to participate in the plural discussion,” said Colin Morisako, advertising manager for Toyota. Completely oblivious to the fact that “Nobody gives a shit, just drive the speed limit assholes!” “The people have spoken—Prii will be the accepted term used to describe multiple Prius vehicles going forward.”

Honda Element Drivers, and Tesla Model-S drivers have yet to way into the ongoing controversy.