Dallas, Texas (Love Field) –
Starting next Tuesday, Southwest – America’s largest discount air carrier, will be mandating passengers wear one of a number of shape and gender-confirming ball-gag types at all times when in flight. The controversial new mandate for all Domestic and International flights is a first for any carrier in the US International, or Domestic.
The new “Gags for freedom campaign” has been controversial. “People have been asking me why we do it? Why do we put it in front of them? Well, the explanation might be simpler than you may have thought: “We fucking hate you.”” said passenger experience liaison Toby McDougall of Southwest Airlines. It’s pretty simple really: Just tell them they’re being “un-American” if they aren’t wearing them and they pop them right in.”
“We would be lying if we said we didn’t “get off” by making you people as miserable as is humanly possible. We’re sick. We fucking hate you. That’s just the reality of it.”
Consumer rights advocates have been questioning the legality of ball-gags for all passengers over the age of two years old, but worry that those under two are being left out of the requirement McDougall responded: “Most of them have pacifiers, so we found the ball-gag would be redundant. We are considering it though.”
“We get off on making you people miserable, that’s the honest to God truth.” Laughed a flight attendant on a Jet-blue flight between Ft. Lauderdale and New York’s La Guardia.
“Everything from how small the seats are, lack of leg-room. That weird little compartment on the armrest that serves no purpose only to be full of chewed gum when you explore it- the awful pillows made of paper, inaudible headphones we charge you for, or the terrible food. We do this all on purpose! There actually isn’t even an economic incentive for most of this stuff, we just do it because we hate you.”
Would anybody ever eat fish being served on an airplane? Of course not! They never have, but we offer it to you every single time! You people just put up with it like it’s normal. Of course it isn’t, but you cucks don’t speak up for some weird reason. Haha, fuck you guys.”
That kid that keeps kicking the back of your seat? Actually, he’s an actor, hired and protected by a union. He probably makes more than you do a year you fucking pathetic loser. We literally pay that kid to kick the back of your seat- It isn’t some sort of organic thing happening. We made it happen! Why? Because FUCK YOU.
“The crying babies” also- actors. There are a lot of them.” It fluctuates between 250-400 full time domestically. The crying baby thing was pure genius” Said Alaska director Gale Newark. We were the first to implement that in the early 1960’s just to add “an edge” to the flights. Sure, we could have baby-free flights, keep babies in a separate part of an airplane or something like that. No edge there. The crying babies add a “Je ne sais quoi” into the mix.. They aren’t even going anywhere! It’s SICK, but we do it anyway! Hahaha, fuck you guys.”
Turbulence? Yeah, we solved that whole problem not long after jet aircraft were invented. We actually instruct our pilots to fly through really rough patches, thunderstorms, even large flocks of birds, sometimes going hundreds of miles out of our way in the process. Why do we do it? We do it just to mess with you guys.”
We like to turn the fasten seat belt light on when things are smooth, just to get in your head a little.. are we safe now?” and turn it off right before we intentionally fly into turbulence. Why do we do it? Because we can. Why do people like to bind their nipples and have them pulled on really hard or twisted for example while begging forgiveness? Ever kicked a puppy? It’s actually liberating. We love to get you guys out of your element a little.
Most of you idiots don’t even realize we always do “the turbulence thing” right after we pour you a drink in one of those cups shaped like a saucer. Monkey-brains haven’t figured out that “coincidence” yet.. Yeah, sure, we could give you cups that wouldn’t spill whatever sticky, brightly colored sugar garbage we serve you monkeys, we’ve had that technology literally since the earliest turboprops existed (cups not shaped like saucers), but we do it just because, well, fuck you.”
“Do wings really need to bend that much when flying? Of course not! We could make those things as hard as Ron Jeremy’s boner after popping six Viagra.. We paid Boeing an extra two billion dollars to get the wings to flap around like that. We had the wings engineered to do that because.. well, It’s just really scary looking.”
“That will freak them out a bit.”
“It kind of makes you think that the wing is going to snap in half or something.”
“Uh oh, it’s bending a lot! Is it going to snap?” No reason for it whatsoever. Your reptilian brain then shoots into a panic mode you dumb monkey. Your disgusting existence then stops watching Paul Blart 2 long enough to remembering that you’re trapped in a literal metal tube floating thousands of feet above the ground going hundreds of miles an hour. You’re stuck in a device so flimsy that literal seagulls can bring down at any moment, and the two “flappy” things standing between you and certain death are all there is and they’re bending like crazy. Wow! White a mind-fuck!”
“All the plane crashes in those movies you’ve been watching?- Yeah, we put those in there intentionally.” No plane has ever really crashed, but we definitely have scared the shit out of you morons.” “We especially like it when in the movie the plane breaks in half, and people start getting sucked out. Imagine getting sucked out of an airplane! I bet you can, because we’ve showed it to you fifty million times! You dumb sheep. We have found that is about as scary as it gets. Having that image of being sucked out of the diving airplane as those useless oxygen masks that don’t inflate drop down and dangle around is implanted in everyone’s mind! We terrified you assholes!”
“I am the passenger experience manager, it’s a great job. I work about 4.5 hours a day, two months paid vacation, a great dental plan, I get to park right near the elevator in terminal D and I really like pouring hot candle wax on my nipples.”
“I’m what people colloquially call a “Sadist”- Have you ever seen the movie “The accountant?” “It’s a great movie with Ben Affleck where he turns the lights off, puts on a strobe-light, and then beats his ankles with a switch because he’s mentally ill. Yeah, I do that kind of stuff. It gets me off.” “I also invented those really sticky baggage claim tags that you can’t get off ever under any circumstances short of using scissors. Yeah, I did that.”
“I used to be that kid that was always burning ants with a magnifying glass. I mean, I would burn a lot of them. That smell! You would hear them pop, and I would smell their pain. Now, I work for Southwest’s baggage recovery division.”
I was painting the inverted Hexagram at my local Satanic Temple Alter’s floor, when an American Airlines recruiter wearing a robe and deer-antlers came up to me and asked me if I wanted to quit my job at Target, and get into the growing aviation industry.” and I was like: “Hey, I’m kind of busy engaging in Satanic ritual abuse right now, but maybe later we can talk?” Can you believe that was three years ago now? Wow, how the time flies.”
“Your luggage getting lost- yeah, that’s on purpose. Most of it we just throw away.” The bathroom always smelling like someone just took the biggest, dump in the history of the world?: The smell is actually piped in through the air vents. Nobody just took a dump.”
“Delta’s into some really wild shit” said a liason from United. “They came up with the whole “Anal Covid swab” thing., yeah, that was them.” Delta knows Covid doesn’t even exist!, it’s the literal common cold rebranded using the PCR test, but they got people to stick a swab deep up their butts! We were like: “Delta! What are you guys DOING!!!?” They were cracking up.
The TSA? Yeah, staged 9/11 just to get that agency created. We kind of enjoy making you monkeys take your shoes off too..” “Hope you changed your socks recently you disgusting hobo.” Haven’t emptied your bowels recently? The X-ray shows you didn’t.. that’s pretty gross and embarrassing you nasty freak.”
We are working on a new thing: We’re going to call it “Low-O” I’m not supposed to tell you cattle this yet, but there’s a new thing we’re working on- We’re going to install a new light near the fasten seat-belt sign that flashes “Low – O” sporadically. It doesn’t even really mean anything, it’s just going to terrify you assholes. “What does it mean? Is there low Oxygen or something?” Go panic! No, it doesn’t mean anything you stupid pieces of shit!!!!