Former President and Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Today, during a rally in America’s Heartland that is likely a swing-state, perhaps Iowa,: “This god-damn ear is a complete loser; and a complete fraud for not looking like it actually got hit with any sort of anything” said the ex-president.

“I mean, that this point I would take ice-cub- a literal fragment of an ice-cube that hit my ear.” I’ve always liked both my ears equally- both my left, and my right ear. That is, until of course this last rally.

“Well today,I have something to say: Were this loser ear.. I don’t even want to call him by his proper ear-name because he doesn’t deserve it.”

“Don’t you all agree I am so good off the teleprompter, aren’t I everybody?”

[Crowd cheers moderately]

“Well, I am so pissed at him right now.. This Loser ear.. were this gosh-darn right loser ear get along with the program? [Rally cheers louder].

Please, I mean, I am sitting here, I am getting down on my knees [Trump poses with hands in praying position] I am begging you, what will it take?

“This was one loser ear.” again said the president.

Please admit you were shot by a bullet, or a piece of teleprompter, or something.

“Well, that would make this a good ear, would it?

But this isn’t a good ear, this is a sham ear.

“With ears like this, not making it look like it was shot, how are we going to rebuild this once great country?”