H.R. department- American Steel and Metal Fabrication Company, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania-

“You get a lot of slack for being the Human Resources director around here, I’m just sayin’, I’m just saying.’” said HR department head Anthony Peligrino.”

“American Steel and Metal Fabrication Company is always on the look out for the future of the workforce and identifying the next batch of high quality laborers we can recruit. I have to say though, I got a bit burned on that last cat pronoun girl hire.”

“In retrospect, I think we kind of we all made a mistake there, we all could should have perhaps been more skeptical of on-boarding someone who let us know during the hiring process that they preferred to go by cat pronouns, and not human pronouns at work. That, in retrospect that was a bad idea. It was again, looking back on it probably a mistake. We were going out on a limb there with that hire, I mean in hindsight is 20/20, and nobody saw that one coming.”

“Who would have thought a person who uses cat pronouns, diligently grooms themself at work and requires a liter box wouldn’t fit in here at American Steel? I mean, is this one really on me?”

“We use the Bessemer Process to achieve a highest grade industrial steel products for our clients in American and around the world.

Over here you will see the kiln where we super heat the iron ore compound and combine it with helium gases to make it ultra-solid.” The metal is then rolled into the sheets you see before me here that weigh about 4000 pounds each,, before being hard-pressed into a few micro-millimeters. “Who would have thought that a grown woman who insists we use cat pronouns to identify her wouldn’t work out around here?” “I am to blame for this? I mean, this all falls on me huh? I am I to blame for everything around here and all the civil rights lawsuits Catself filed against our company that might bankrupt us huh? mean Meowself filed against our company? “I mean, come on!”

“I am working a ten today [10 hour shift] It’s about 125 degrees in here right now. I do this all day every day 5 days a week.”

“My job is to consistently spot weld the joints used in most bridge infrastructure in the United States and parts of Canada. It’s generally a straight forward enough work after you train a person long enough. That’s why I was surprised when the cat-pronoun lady didn’t work out here. Nobody saw that coming.” “That was a shocker.”

“I don’t think this one is on me, even though, even though I’m responsible for hiring people for this company, I mean, sure, Meowself may have not worked out here as we look back on it now with everything that has happened and all and the lawsuits and stuff, but Meowself did show up punctually did Meowself not? Or am I wrong here?”

Meowself regularly showed up to work at at 8AM, stretched out and arched their back or am I wrong here? Was Meowself not punctual? Unlike some other employees around here I won’t mention who didn’t get accidentally let go., excuse me “wrongfully terminated” as the lawsuit says I have to refer to it.

“I remember that sometimes Meowself would even pull an all-nighter, curled up into that little ball in Meow’selfs Federally required down cat-bed,, and you really think this was a bad hire and I am supposedly “negligent” here for hiring this person? I mean come on!”

“Earlier when we had trouble staffing an unexpected double shift due to changing global steel production trends, we looked into hiring people from Haiti like they did in Springfield, Ohio,, but then we saw “Meowself” listed on Linked-In and we were like: “probably should hire an American.”.. boy was that a mistake now that we’re all looking back at it.”

“Meowself had an impressive resume, and peed clean, unlike a lot of the other people we try to hire around here.”

“Meowself had exhibited an “obsessive grooming regimen” soon after going through orientation, Meowself started to groom a lot more.. I mean, don’t get me wrong, grooming is important, but shouldn’t it be done before coming to work?”

“So anyway, Meowself is not really getting much work done and we have that huge order from the Philippines to fulfill, and then she,, excuse me, I mean Meowself starts coughing up a hairball- and I don’t think that’s even her hair, excuse me Meowself’s hair if we’re being honest here, there’s no way that much hair could have been swallowed. I mean, is there?”

Before being fired, excuse me “Wrongfully Terminated” “Meow had been licking Meowself regularly for at least 15 minutes in between spot-welds. That is just not sustainable as a company.”

“Sure, I take a smoke break every now and then, but I mean, Meowself is taking advantage of this stuff at this point.”

“I don’t think we can be competitive with China with this amount of licking taking place, but, I could be wrong, and am not sure I’m legally allowed to say that.”

“What was even more shocking was when Meowself sued us for discrimination for not providing “basic cat options” at the cafeteria. We didn’t see that one coming.” “We closed out of court for high six figures on that one.”

As always, the San Luis Obispo Times will keep you updated on this developing story.