Kiev – Ukraine
In what many are calling a fair deal, yesterday Ukrainian president Vladimir Zelensky requested to get the number to your girlfriend Heather.
“I’ll be honest, I think we had a thing.” Said a smitten tight olive-green shirt clad Zelensky referring to that time he and Heather met when you guys were volunteering for a charity related to relocating Ukrainian refugees in Yonkers.
You know, It’s hard to try and focus on liberating the Ukrainian people when I think about Heather, and my need to have her with me at all times for the rest of eternity. I know it sounds silly, I’m like a child again.” Said Zelensky.
“Whether or not I have Heather is very likely the one thing that could turn the tide of this villainous war. Without her, I fear the defeat of the Ukrainian people. We are literally talking about the future of the free world here.”
Zelensky added: “the billions in funding your government has sent has been nice, as well as the military intelligence and satellite imagery, the large weapons packages, training and HIMARS which have been extremely effective against the evil invaders, but I’m finding it very hard to fully concentrate without her presence. She is always in the back of my mind, which could put the future of the people of the Ukraine in Jeopardy. I need her by my side.”
After accepting a phone-call from Zelensky, you noticed Heather started acting differently and kept holding a hand to half of her face when she was talking to you.
Zelensky added: “Don’t get me wrong, I really think you are a cool guy, It’s really nothing personal, but Heather and I have decided the best thing to do is move in together, and for you to move on. Again nothing personal. Zelensky then yelled out: “Slava Ukraini!”
Heather appears to be packing her personal items up now and keeps taking multiple trips to “the grocery store” almost every few hours.
In a short phone conversation with you, Zelensky said it was “cool that you gave him Heather’s number.” Which you have to admit, actually made you feel pretty cool.
“Without your former girlfriend Heather at my side, I don’t know how the Donbass can ever be fully liberated. I mean, you do want the Donbass to be liberated, right?”